Powerfully Helpless
by Amanda Marie Johnson
Summary: Losing someone you love is not easy for anyone. Follow the scoobies as the mourn the death of one of their own. Please Read and Review.
1. Buffy and Spike

Powerfully Helpless  
  
By: Amanda Marie Johnson  
  
A deep blue sky filled the earth's atmosphere as night settled in. Feelings of affliction and torment filled her soul as she tried to focus on anything but the last few nights. She didn't know how someone could feel this awful. Her heart seemed to beat with the seconds on the clock. That's all she had in her world now, time. Time that brought her deeper and deeper into depression. She hadn't gone anywhere or done anything since the night of his death. There was nothing left to do, nothing but cry. A single tear slid down her cheek, which would soon be followed by a whole load of them. She tried with all of the slayer strength she had in her to focus on something else, but no matter how hard she tired there was only sadness. Suddenly she heard footsteps come up the stairs and into her room.  
"Buffy" she heard the voice of Spike behind her.  
"Please just go away" she said, not looking at him.  
"Buffy, I know how you feel pet" he told her as he sat on the edge of her bed.  
"What do you know about this, you stand for death, you welcome it" she said harshly as more tears started to fall.  
"I know what it's like to mourn someone you love pet, not even a year ago it was you in the ground, remember" he said.  
"So" she said still not facing him, just looking out the window, trying not to sob. She didn't want him to see her cry, she didn't want him to comfort her. She just wanted to be alone.  
"That was the most horrible time of my life pet, not seeing you, you not being here, I know what it's like, what it's like to lose someone you love so dearly, I mean, I love you more than anything so, I know" he told her. She felt her heart melt. She didn't want to give into it, but she couldn't help it. She knew he was telling the truth when he said he loved her, and she wanted more than anything to say it back, but she promised herself she wouldn't go there again. She wouldn't fall in love with a vampire.  
"Spike please, just go" she said.  
"You're call luv, but I'm here if you want to talk" he told her, than kissed her on the top of her head and left. When she was sure he was gone she laid down and began sobbing. 


	2. Willow and Tara

Willow sat with Tara on the roof of Xander's apartment. She had the same feelings of grief as Buffy did. Her eyes were still stained red from crying. She didn't know what she was going to do. She had known him practically her whole life, ever since kindergarten. She didn't know how to live without him. She didn't know if she could. She swallowed hard to try to keep the lump in her throat from surfacing.  
"Are you hungry sweetie?" Tara asked sweetly.  
"No" Willow said, trying to hold back tears. But it was no use. They slowly started to fall again as she let out a sigh and then a sob.  
"Oh baby, it's gonna be okay" Tara said, trying to comfort her.  
"No it isn't, he's gone Tara, Xander's dead, he's never coming back, I can't bring him back like I did Buffy, he's gone forever" Willow sobbed.  
"I know it's hard now baby, but I promise it will get better, when my mom died, I felt like I would die, but eventually-"  
"What, I forget?" Willow asked.  
"No, you make room for him, in your heart, honey you'll always miss him, that pain will never go away, the pain of loss, but it will get better" Tara assured her.  
"How?" Willow asked. "How can this possibly get better, I keep seeing him in my head, keep hearing his name, keep hearing his voice, but he's not there, and he never will be, not ever again."  
"I know" Tara said as she held Willow.  
"Please, just make it go away, please, please" Willow begged as she cried uncontrollably. "Please, I can't take it anymore, just make it go away." 


	3. Dawn

Dawn sighed with sadness and frustration as she petted the cat on her friend's bed. She had been crying as well. She couldn't believe that Xander was gone. She loved him so much and now he was dead. He was the only one she could ever talk to besides Spike. He was like her big brother. He never once judged her or blamed her for anything. She wanted to cry. She wanted to scream. She just wanted him back.  
"Dawn, are you okay?" Janice asked as she put two glasses of milk and a plate of cookies on the table.  
"No" Dawn said, not looking at her. She didn't want Janice to see the tears in her eyes.  
"I'm sorry, I wish there was something I could do" Janice said sympathetically.  
"I just, I can't believe that, that he's gone, I mean Xander has been there forever, he has been there for more than half of my life" Dawn said.  
"I know how it feels to lose someone you love, my grandpa died two years ago" Janice said.  
"Does it ever go away?" Dawn asked, finally looking at her with tear stained eyes and cheeks.  
"Does what ever go away?" Janice asked.  
"The pain?" Dawn asked her.  
"Eventually, but I guess it's different for all people" Janice said.  
"How long was it for you?" Dawn asked her.  
"To tell you the truth, I don't think it ever fully goes away, I mean I can laugh now, I can have fun, but every once in a while, I cry, the feeling of loss never really goes away" Janice said. Dawn turned over and laid her head on Janice's pillow and closed her eyes. She just wanted to sleep. Sleeping might take away some of the hurt she felt. 


	4. Anya

Morning only brought pain and sadness to Anya. She hadn't slept. She'd stayed overnight at Xander's apartment. She just wanted to be with a part of him. This was the only thing she had left of him now that he was gone. She wanted vengeance on Warren for killing him. She wanted to kill him for it. She couldn't do anything. She couldn't breathe; she couldn't walk, or move at all for that matter. She just wanted it all to go away. This feeling she had was new to her, although she had felt it often lately. She missed the simpler days where she didn't feel anything. Where she just came where she was called and punished men for being unfaithful. And that confused her also. She was now a vengeance demon again, so why did she still have these feelings for him. Shouldn't she just forget about everything? She missed him so much. She wasn't used to this, the loving of men. After Xander left her at the alter she vowed she would never love him again, but she did. She couldn't deny what she felt. She began crying again as she laid in his bed, trying to sleep. She was so tired, but her eyes wouldn't close. More than anything she just wanted to sleep. She looked at a picture of the two of them that was on his nightstand next to his bed. She picked it up and looked at it. They looked so happy in that picture, with his hands wrapped tightly around her. She wished so much that she could be in his arms again. Just one more time. To kiss his lips, to feel his skin against hers. To listen to his heart beat. For him to whisper in her ear "I love you," and for her to say it back. She hugged the frame tightly as she began to cry again. But she could finally close her eyes and go to sleep. 


	5. Saying goodbye

After the sun rose the scoobies got together for Xander's funeral. Tough the day only brought more sadness and affliction to all of them they still wanted to say goodbye to their best friend.  
"I don't know if I can do this" Willow said to Tara as she looked in the mirror.  
"I know how you feel sweetie, I miss him too, but we have to go now" Tara told her tenderly.  
"Okay" she said and opened the door to their bedroom and walked downstairs to meet Buffy and Dawn.  
"How ya doing Dawnie?" Willow asked, putting on a fake smile, trying to stay brave for her.  
"Not good" Dawn said, trying to do the same.  
"I know sweetheart, we all feel that way" Buffy said as she stroked Dawn's hair lightly.  
"We should get going, we don't want to be late" Willow said and they left.  
The funeral took place in the cemetery outside. Many people attend the service. Afterward Buffy Willow Tara and Dawn went home. Anya, still very much grief stricken stayed at the cemetery, just staring at Xander's grave.  
"Xander" she said through tears. "I just want you to know that I love you, I will always love you, you were my first love, my first real love anyway, I'm gonna miss you so much." She laid a single red rose down before getting up and leaving.  
"What do you do now" Dawn asked after they had returned home.  
"What do you mean honey?" Buffy asked.  
"I mean, where do we go now? How do we live our lives? How do we live at all?" Dawn asked her.  
"I don't know, I don't know what we're gonna do" Buffy said.  
"I miss him so much" Dawn said as she laid her head on Buffy's lap.  
"I know you do sweetie, I do too" Buffy said as she stroked her hair. "I guess we just, try to live, do the best we can."  
"Easier said than done" Dawn said. 


	6. Letting in the Dark

Buffy patrolled that night after Dawn went to sleep. She had get the frustration and anger out of her. Beating on vampires was her best form of therapy. She walked along the cemetery looking for any sign of evil. As she searched the surface of the graveyard with her eyes she heard some branches crack and quickly turned around, stake in hand ready to swing at whatever was behind her.  
"Whoa, watch where you point that thing luv" Spike said as he quickly back away from the pointy stick.  
"What are you doing here?" Buffy asked as she lowered the stake to her side again.  
"Wanted to see how you were pet, that's all" he said. She looked into his eyes and wanted him to hold her. She wanted to take comfort in him, but she fought it off.  
"How do you think I am?" she said coldly.  
"No that well I imagine" he said as he sat on the bench that was next to the mausoleum.  
"Good call" she said as she sat next to him.  
"Is there anything I can do?" he asked compassionately.  
"You know" Buffy scoffed. "Seven damn years I've been a slayer and, through all of the evil and apocalypses no demon has ever beat me, and the first human I come up against, he wins, what kind of slayer am I if I can protect the world from evil, but I can't protect my friends? What kind of person am I?"  
"You can't be so hard on yourself luv, you did the best you could" Spike said.  
"And what do I have to show for it, huh? One of my best friends is dead, that's what I have to show for it" Buffy said as she got up and took a couple steps forward.  
"Buffy-" Spike began, but was cut off by the blonde.  
"Don't," she said putting her hand up to stop his words. "Don't try to make this better, stop trying to cheer me up, I don't deserve it."  
"Of course you do" Spike said as he got up as well.  
"No! No I don't, I don't deserve anything, nothing" she said as she began to cry. "Let me tell you what I deserve, I deserve to be dead, not him, me."  
"Come on now, don't talk that way" he said, running out of words to say.  
"I just can't do this, I can't feel this way anymore, it's killing me, I can't, please just." she said as her sobs overrode her words. Spike moved in closer to her so he could hold her, and this time she let him. She sunk into his arms as she continued to sob. 


	7. Tasting Evil

Buffy continued crying as Spike held her. Finally she looked up at him. She stared into his eyes. Finally after what seemed like an eternity she kissed him on the lips.  
"What was that for?" he asked surprised. They hadn't slept together for almost six months.  
"I need you Spike" she whispered as she pulled him into another kiss, this time more passionately. He broke the kiss looking into her eyes.  
"You mean. . ." he said.  
"I need you, I want you" she said and he pulled her into yet another kiss. It was gentle and tender. He didn't want this time to be like the others. "Please Spike, just take me." She begged. He lifted her up and continued kissing her as he carried her into his crypt. He carried her downstairs to his bedroom and laid her on his bed.  
"Are you sure about this luv, we don't have to do this?" he asked once more.  
"I'm sure" she said and he kissed her again.  
  
---------------------------  
  
Buffy woke up in bed next to Spike who was still asleep. She smiled as she remembered what happened. Then a feeling of sadness came over her as she remembered everything else. Xander was still gone, and he was never coming back. She slowly got out of bed and wrapped herself in the sheet that was covering the two of them, which exposed Spike. She had to smile. He was so hot. She walked across the crypt trying to find her clothes, and trying not to wake Spike, but it was no use. He woke up and looked at her.  
"Morning luv" he smiled. She smiled back.  
"Hi" she said.  
"How are you feeling today?" he asked.  
"I'm. . .it still hurts, but better, and I owe that to you, last night was. . .amazing, thank you so much" she said with a smile.  
"How's this different from the other times pet?" he asked.  
"Because this time it was real, passionate, and this time. . .I loved you. . .I still do" she said. He patted the bed.  
"Come here luv" he said and she crawled into bed beside him and he held her. She snuggled close to him and he put his arm around her. "I love you too."  
"I know you do" she said. She laid there in his arms and closed her eyes. she didn't want to leave. She didn't want to leave his arms. She just wanted to stay there forever. But she knew that eventually she would have to go. Dawn would be worried soon. But just for a little while longer she would lay in his arms. He gave her a kiss on her forehead and she breathed in deeply and let it out and closed her eyes. "I love you" she whispered and fell back asleep. 


	8. Payback's a Dawn

Dawn had many books and candles around her. She was determined that she would make Warren pay for what he did to Xander. She was reading and reading spells. She wanted one that would make him sorry he was alive. Finally she came across a karma spell. 'This is perfect' she thought and took the book. She put the rest back. They were Willow and Tara's and she didn't want them to know that she took it. She read the ingredients for the spell and took them as well. After doing that she went into her room and locked the door and set up her things for the spell.  
Meanwhile Buffy was just arriving home. She had fallen back asleep and now it was four o'clock in the afternoon and she hurried home.  
"Dawnie? Honey are you home?" Buffy called but there was no answer. She went up the stairs and knocked on Dawn's door. "Dawn?"  
"Go away I'm busy" Dawn said. "Let cruelty pain and evil ways  
  
follow this murderer through all of his days. Reverse the torment he creates to turn on him a crueler fate. Surroundings around bring him pain. Never let him rest. There's no better revenge then a woman scorned, make him wish he was dead." She whispered the words so Buffy couldn't hear her, but it was no use.  
"Dawn what are you doing?" Buffy asked.  
"Nothing, go away" Dawn said.  
"I'm coming in" Buffy said and kicked the door in.  
"No!" Dawn said.  
"W-what is all this, what are you doing?" Buffy asked.  
"Giving Warren what he deserves" Dawn said and continued. "Send this bastard straight to hell, leave with no leniency, they say payback's a bitch, well that's me."  
"Honey, I know that you are hurting, but you cannot do this, give me the book" Buffy said.  
"No" Dawn said.  
"Dawn, give it to me" Buffy said and grabbed the book from her.  
"I demand you spirits! Take him! Take him to hell!" Dawn screamed and black clouds floated around before disappearing. "You can't stop it now, it's done, Warren will get what he deserves." Buffy looked at her little sister. She couldn't believe that Dawn was capable of doing something like this. She looked so evil. Buffy just starred at her wondering how she was going to fix it.  
  
ALL RIGHT. I KNOW THAT THIS CHAPTER WAS REALLY REALLY SHORT, BUT HEY. ANYWAY I'LL UPDATE AGAIN SOON. 


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